Death is always sudden. And no matter how much you expect it (of a terminally ill person), it’s always sudden when it strikes. But in the last 2 days the news of a dear ones’ death has removed the floor from under. I had always assumed that he will be at my funeral – giving a eulogy & not the other way around! When I heard the news, I didn’t know how to react! I know I was shocked, I know I grieved his loss but I just sat there – staring at a selfie the group had shared of him!
Grief has different ways of manifesting itself. And since the beginning, I was trained to bottle them up & “not create a scene” so this time also I shut up. More so because I was with a friend whom I was meeting after a long time. She was kind enough to give me my space & I went back to staring at all his photos, thinking of all memories I created with him, of all times I could bank on him to help me out! I remembered how he played Lumosity on my phone trying to beat my score, how he thought of an unconventional solution to any problem he had, I remembered the number of times I yelled at him for grammar mistakes! I lay there on the sofa with the phone in my hand & a clouded mind. Finally, I had no recollection of how I slept.
In past, I’ve found completely bizarre ways of demonstrating grief. It shows as anger pangs on someone closest to me, as an obsessive cleaning disorder, as a hunger strike, simply being distant/quiet or resorting to writing. And since the last 2 days, I’ve been trying to process this. I tried writing, I tried being with people, I tried talking to the one person who I knew felt the same way I did. And I have been unsuccessful! Like a true crab, I kept going back into my shell, going about behaving as “expected”, doing things I’m supposed to!
And then a 12 hour flight happened. I saw movies like chalk & duster, rough book – and while the people on the flight slept – I cried! I cried when something happy happened or if some sad scene came up. It sounds very cliched, very filmi but every boy with a dimple in these movies reminded me of him. Every time I saw the main protagonist fighting for her students, I wondered if I ever left an indelible mark on him by standing up for him. I was angry with God for being so cruel – that while he was fighting all odds thrown his way & by his sheer wit being smart, courageous, sporty – He cut his journey short! I kept thinking of circumstances & how one person’s stubbornness caused an untoward incident. And if I’m feeling all this, I couldn’t imagine what the family must be going through! I’m still reeling under this news. I guess only time can make things better or may be talking to her tomorrow.
But I’m hoping & praying with my every earnest breath that he’s at a happy place – with the person he wants to be – with no struggle whatever.. Because that is what he deserved!!